DIVORCE

Wow. So much is going on I don’t even know where to start. Please excuse any typing errors. I get used to typing on my phone and forget that computers don’t add apostrophes or periods for you.

I left for KC on Saturday the 25th. My birthday. The day we buried my Dad 9 years ago.

I was getting horrible attitude from my husband and kids about leaving them on my birthday. Whatever! We never do anything for my birthday. No card. No Present. Most years not even a Happy Birthday. From ANYONE!!!

Well I went with my Mom and Mother in law from hell to KC and dropped off MIL first. THANK YOU GOD!!!

Then went with Mom to my Great Aunt Dee’s house in KCKS. It’s so neat. I grew up going over there and it smells like cedar and mothballs and Uncle Johns pipe.

Anyway, being my birthday, I had made plans for a nice supper with my best friend growing up. (Was supposed to be a whole group of us for supper but that got changed untl next weekend, because I was supposed to still be up there in KC)

His name is Scott and he was my very first boyfriend EVER waaaaaaay back in 4th grade. Well, his 7 year old son is severely Autistic. SEVERELY and his Mom couldn’t watch Zach, so I said it’s no big deal and we ordered pizza and wrestled Zach all night. At his house.

We were also surrounded by tornadoes. It was very scary. So Scott and Zach and I sat and talked and Zach is my new best-est buddy ever. He loves for me to scratch his back.

Zach is a pincher, scratcher, biter, kicker, puncher, whatever. He does not talk. He is not completely potty trained and is 7. He is bigger than my son who is 11. But my guy is little.

So I wrestled my Zach all night. Had an amazing amount of fun. I really did. My arms look like I’ve been beat. I taught Zach “Nice” when he’d grab me and he’s loosen his grip a little and smile. God, I love this kid.

So we were also surrounded by horrible weather and tornadoes and hail storms and crazy Kansas weather. Puts our Arkansas weather to shame.

So Momma told me to just stay there until the morning so I could at least see where I was driving. So I did.

I ended up waking up on the couch by being pounced on my Zach.

I had fallen asleep and woke up snuggled up to Scott on the couch.

NOTHING HAPPENED AT ALL. But I slept so well!! Scott was the perfect gentleman he always had been growing up. This is my first birthday in 9 years that has not ended in tears.

Momma’s fine with my Saturday night circumstances. Crap happens. Only nothing happened. I can’t tell my hubby that’s how I spent Saturday night. He’s going to come unglued if he finds out.

I realized the first time I saw Scott on Saturday that I’m an idiot.

We dated every year over the Summer (at the YMCA… we’d spend every day at the pool together) until High School when we BOTH ended up at Bishop Ward, where we proceeded to date off and on many times a year. He graduated 2 years ahead of me.

We totally lost touch once he graduated and then I met Donald.

I loved Scott then. I love him still. I’m such an idiot.

God put us together so many times over MANY MANY years and we both missed His plan for us. I feel so stupid.

He makes me stay grounded. I do the same for him. Even via cell phone. He can calm me, and I him.

So, NO, I am not running away and going to marry him. But I am divorcing because of constant and ongoing problems with Donald. I can’t take it anymore. The emotional abuse is BAD and the physical abuse is unbearable. I can’t take it anymore.

The kids are noticing more and more what’s going on. It’s bad. It’s a bad situation for my kids to be in. Playing “Let’s all avoid Dad until he’s had 4 beers”.

I will stay in Mountain Home until at least Emilee graduates high school then contemplate moving to KS and be happy as God meant me to be.

My parents LOVED Scott while I was growing up. Seriously LOVED him. I’m such an idiot.

So, now I think it’s time for me to be happy. I’ve been the good wife and mother for 18 years. I’m not abandoning anyone. I will be divorcing Donald. He knows this. We’d been talking about it for months before I even went to KC. Before KC was even planned.

Here’s the problem: Emilee has flat out told me “Mom just leave the ass” speaking of her Dad. Now that it’s coming true she has a totally different story.

Justin is breaking my heart. He sent me a text message last night that said “so u kicked me and em out of the house so u and dad could fight? that’s not being a good mom at all” and another that said “ok. but if u do I’m still going with dad no matter what”.

This is breaking my heart. Does my happiness really matter? Does my kids happiness matter more to me than my own?

What is Gods plan in this?

How do I get through the muck and muddle and figure out the whole thing?

So you see why I am a mess. I cry. I’m hurt. I’m MAD as hell! I’m confused.

I want to be the good mom.

I am a good mom. I’ve always been a good mom.

Now what, God? Now what?

 Hug me extra hard next time you see me. I sure need it.

All is well.

I talked to my hubby and told him I want him to re-meet my friend and I was completely honest with him. I am glad I was. It’s all going to work out well. I was just worried that my hubby would be jealous, but like he said, how can he be jealous of someone who is 6 hours away???!

What do you do…

What do you do when your very first love comes around again? We are friends. We have been since we were children. My parents loved him. His parents loved me. I don’t want to change my marriage at all. But what do you do when that love comes back into your life? How do you explain it to your hubby? or wife? whatever the case may be. Oh, gee, Hunny…. Ummm… here is my first true love and I want us all to be friends and hang out and drink beer and watch the NASCAR races? I love my husband. He is wonderful to me. He still makes my heart do flips. He is a strong and good man. He is handsome, too! But would this hurt him if I wanted to be “Sunday afternoon supper” friends again with someone from my past? Hubby and I have been married for 17 years. There is no way things are going to change. But I also don’t want any ill feelings. . It’ll all work out in the end. It always does.

Birthday

How do you write a letter to a girl you have such strong connections to but whom you don’t know?

Emilee’s Knee Surgery

Poor Emilee.  She is in such pain and I feel so bad for her.  She is on antibiotics and pain meds.  Her MRI showed ACL tear and Medial Meniscus tear.  So the doc got in there and saw neither.  But the MRI showed them.  He showed us the MRI.  He did find a “roughening of the lateral meniscus” but all bones were smooth as could be.  Poor Emilee is in all this pain all the time and there is nothing wrong with her knees. 

That being said I wonder about her brain and being told there is nothing wrong.  Been there.  Heard that.  For MANY years.  I was finally diagnosed and treated and though still in pain to some degree, am still afraid to go to doctors and be told I am fine.

We go see the doctor on Tuesday AM.

TIRED of the pain

I am so unbelievably tired of pain.  I used to be an optimist.  I could always see a silver lining.  I could always joke and laugh but now am in so much pain I can do neither.  My back hurts.  Bladder pain is almost unbearable today.  It’s my turn for dishes and I hurt and don’t want to move.  I stand up and my back spasms.  Sucks, because I have to stand up and go to pee all the damn time.  It is a vicious cycle.  It’s cold today and I started a fire in the fireplace.  Ok, so I tried but hurt too bad to continue so my son did it for me.  How horrible that my son is better at building a fire in the fireplace than I am.  He’s such a good boy.  Emilee is out babysitting.  She’s coming home later with her boyfriend.  He’s nice.  I think I like him.  He’s so tall and gangly though.  But, my dog is starting to like him.  So he’s ok.  If Bingo didn’t start to like him then Devin would have to go. LOL.  Justin has a buddy over spending the night tonight.  OK, a cousin, but they are great friends.  I have pain meds at Walgreen’s to pick up and might get to do it today.   I don’t know yet.  Have to see how much $ hubby has when he gets home.

Medicare Woes

So I decided to look at the supplemental insurance this year to go with my Medicare. 

I am on Social Security Disability and have been for 4 years.

I have had Medicare for 2 years.  I do not qualify for Medicaid.

I logged onto www.medicare.gov and found that I have 35 potential matches to my needs. 

I had narrowed it down to 11 matches.  I called the companies. 

Turns out that it’s actually 5 companies with all those different plans I am interested in.

Great.  No problem.  I will pink one and things will be easier.  Right?

NOT SO MUCH!

I see my general doc here in town.  I like her a LOT.

I see a Urologist in Little Rock.  I want to see a Urologist in West Plains, MO. 

Neither Urologist is covered by my insurance choices.

I see a Rheumatologist in Harrison.  He’s not covered either. 

One lady – VERY NICE – with the company I already have had my Part D with for 2 years – found me some other doctors but they are in Jonesboro. 

Now, I do NOT travel well.  At ALL.  I’ve never been to Jonesboro.  I am not interested in going to Jonesboro. 

I am frustrated that I can not find an insurance that covers all my docs and has dental and vision benefits.  You would think that someone would match up all 3 docs. 

With all this frustration I can see why Senior Citizens have troubles with the whole insurance thing.

I am only 35 and can barely understand it all.

Can’t do this

Tomorrow is Christmas eve.  I have things to sew still and have not begun.

I gave up and got out of bed at 4 this AM.  I was awake because I was in a LOT of pain.  I took a  pain pill and must have dozed in and out while in the recliner.  Next thing I knew it was 6:45 and Donald was still asleep.  He normally leaves around 6:30. 

So I woke him up and he left for work.  I went back to the bed and slept fitfully until 10. 

I got up, took a shower, put on my TENS unit and took a pain pill.  I still hurt.  My back is killing me.  I could not shave my legs because it hurt to bend like that.

I have this issue with my left hand now.  Well, it started yesterday.  My thumb, and 2 fingers are hurting.  Like asleep but with little electrical shocks all the time.  It’s also the tip of my ring finger.  I tried to ignore it all day yesterday but when I picked up the hubby from work he told me to call my doc when I got home. 

I did and then about 7 last night I get this phone call from my doc’s nurse.  She just needed more details.  She’s going to talk to the doc and call me back today.

Well, that was the plan anyway.  I wouldn’t doubt it if they closed early because of the weather.  My hubby came home EARLY today because there’s already been more than 50 wrecks and slide offs in Baxter County.

Ugh. Should NOT have eaten that.

we butchered the hog (her name was Barbie as n Bar-B-Que) and so we have this freezer full of pork.  Ok, so I am not supposed to have pork because of my bladder disease.  I tried a little bite of my husbands sausage patty he fried up for himself.  BAD MOVE.  I thought that since we had her done locally that the sausage would just be pig.  Well, it is pig and spices.  It tasted really REALLY good but then it had after burn.  OMG.  I am soooooooo dreading the spices working their way through to my bladder.  My mouth was on fire.  Imagine what it will do to my bladder!!!!

Seriously, it sucks to live like this.  My bladder hurting to having to watch what I eat and drink because it will hurt me.

Happy for a friend

I am SOOOO happy for a friend of mine. She’s a pain patient with RA, FM, Diabetes, CONSTANT migraines and so on and so forth. Anyway, She’s been trying to find the “right” mg of pain meds and 5mg was not working, but 10 mg was too much. So, she tried one of Emilee’s 7.5 mg and she called me this AM to say that the 7.5 mg is PERFECT in that she wasn’t falling asleep because if the 10 mg and she was in less pain than taking just a 5mg. I am SO happy for her. Now, if she can just get the right RX from her doctor…..